Mama said there’d be days like this

These last few weeks have just not been great for Ellie.  Her normal teacher, whom she adores and has a deep connection with, was out dealing with things in her family and the behavior specialist at her school moved away and was replaced with someone new.  All these things in conjunction with holidays and a time change do not bode well for an easy few weeks for Ellie.  She gets used to a routine and deviating from that routine can sometimes make for a rocky time.  She had to be picked up early both days last week and this week I hear she is being rough with her classmates instead of using her words.  Having a kid with SPD, or any other special needs for that matter, can be such a series of progressions and regressions.  It is so hard to see such a positive change in them for it to seemingly vanish one day.  I have such a hard time emotionally on her bad days.  Sometimes I feel like I take it harder than she does.  My heart just breaks when I get a bad report.  I want her to be happy all day, to be able to control her body and to learn the best she can.  So when all those boxes are not checked for me in my mommy brain, I have a hard time.  I feel so defeated and immediately wondering if there is something new I need to be doing to help her. It is so difficult to see all the progress she has made when I leave crying because she had a rough day. The rough days are fewer and fewer and I acknowledge the improvement but it’s like PTSD.  On that bad day, all the bad days come rushing back and I remember how rough it was before and how that impacted our whole family.  I know logically in 6 months she has made such a improvement in behavior and in controlling her body. I have to tell myself constantly that this is a minor setback and doesn’t dictate her future, but it is so hard to look past today.  I try to take one day at a time with Ellie and realize that she doesn’t think about the outcome of the day before so it doesn’t make sense for me to carry that over from day to day either.  I have to think back on the last 6 months and how less frequent these hard days have become compared to before.  I have to give myself and her some grace on these hard days.  I have to know that every day is a new day and tomorrow could be the amazing day I prayed for her.  There is no guarantee that any day is going to go well, but we can live each moment of each day like it’s new.  We have to instill this in our kids.  They have to know that just because they had a rough time, it doesn’t mean that they are not making progress or that we are not proud of the good things they do on those bad days.


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